Conflict management

[KanuTGL]

Making a thread here because it's something I feel that I need to talk about at the moment

Right, so. Yesterday I started my new job, working full-time for the student union, and I thought it would be good somehow, but my predecessor who's "training" me for the next three weeks is being very rude. I just don't know how to handle it, so I thought I'd turn to you guys here and see what you might have to say about it.

In a way I want to confront her, because I do not like the way she's treating me - doesn't say hello, doesn't even look at me unless she has to and walks around sighing whenever she has to teach me something. Those are things I would only do if I wanted to make it very clear to another person that I do not like them. And I can't think of what I could possibly have done to make her act like that, besides being her successor/just existing... In discussions she asks for my thoughts sometimes, where in return she gives pretty much no encouragement but plenty of tough questions that make my suggestions sound dumb. So I tried the strategy of "just listen, don't talk back" but then she'd snap at me for not asking questions It could just be the way she is and perhaps she's the type of person to take a long time to warm up to people; I have heard that there are others who have felt similarly about her. She could be "testing" me to see what I'm like. Or maybe she's uncomfortable leading this kind of training. Who knows. I can't help but feel like she'd make some sort of effort to at least, you know, say "hello" and not just glare when we meet if she was at all interested in getting to know me.

Regardless, it's starting to make me upset, because I want to be on good terms with her; you really do want to be friends with the person who came before you on the job. But she makes me feel very unwelcome and there's nowhere I can run to get away from her for another good while... So what to do? Confront her and say how I feel about the situation or just leave it be and put up with it for the few weeks we have to work together before she leaves? See how things develop?

How do you guys manage conflicts, at work or otherwise?

[Leorgathar]

Augh, it must be quite frustrating having to deal with someone like that xP I'm sorry to hear you're in that situation, especially with how you've been feeling lately
It's been a long while since I last had to put up with people having that kind of toxic attitude, maybe not since I was midway through college (except for the occasional rude patient I still get from time to time, but at least I don't have to see those every day). So I'm a little rusty on advice for this, but I don't think you should have to put up with that behaviour. Maybe you could talk to someone who has worked with her before? or ask her directly what's wrong one day and get her to talk, maybe that could lead to a better understanding.
But I think what's important is that you can't let her attitude manipulate you, or let it become contagious. Regardless of what she says, you gotta remember you're a better quality of person. Like, if she doesn't say hello, you keep being the one who does, or show her that you're learning from her training, even if she doesn't seem to appreciate it. Who knows, maybe your attitude will somehow be contagious to her, if she truly is someone who just takes time to warm up to people.

But of course, it's just my opinion, and she might not just change her attitude towards you for a good while, which I really hope it's not the case.
I read this article not long ago called Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them, I found it a good read, and maybe it could be helpful.

I really hope things will get better for you

[Zorayda]

Jun 9, 2015 21:33:09 GMT KanuTGL said:

Making a thread here because it's something I feel that I need to talk about at the moment

Right, so. Yesterday I started my new job, working full-time for the student union, and I thought it would be good somehow, but my predecessor who's "training" me for the next three weeks is being very rude. I just don't know how to handle it, so I thought I'd turn to you guys here and see what you might have to say about it.

In a way I want to confront her, because I do not like the way she's treating me - doesn't say hello, doesn't even look at me unless she has to and walks around sighing whenever she has to teach me something. Those are things I would only do if I wanted to make it very clear to another person that I do not like them. And I can't think of what I could possibly have done to make her act like that, besides being her successor/just existing... In discussions she asks for my thoughts sometimes, where in return she gives pretty much no encouragement but plenty of tough questions that make my suggestions sound dumb. So I tried the strategy of "just listen, don't talk back" but then she'd snap at me for not asking questions It could just be the way she is and perhaps she's the type of person to take a long time to warm up to people; I have heard that there are others who have felt similarly about her. She could be "testing" me to see what I'm like. Or maybe she's uncomfortable leading this kind of training. Who knows. I can't help but feel like she'd make some sort of effort to at least, you know, say "hello" and not just glare when we meet if she was at all interested in getting to know me.

Regardless, it's starting to make me upset, because I want to be on good terms with her; you really do want to be friends with the person who came before you on the job. But she makes me feel very unwelcome and there's nowhere I can run to get away from her for another good while... So what to do? Confront her and say how I feel about the situation or just leave it be and put up with it for the few weeks we have to work together before she leaves? See how things develop?

How do you guys manage conflicts, at work or otherwise?

She's being passive aggressive and pushing you around to see how much she can get away with. Some people need a person to boss around and be "better" than, and she sounds like one of these people.

Confront her about it. Make her feel uncomfortable but don't stray from a professional tone of voice or question wording. "Do you have a problem with me?" If she says no: "I just don't understand your need to huff when I ask a question or for you to dismiss my thoughts and suggestions when I am trying to learn. I need an environment conducive to my learning and you aren't being very professional." Now, she'll likely throw a fit. If this happens, keep your cool. "If this behavior doesn't stop, or if you have a problem with me that you cannot overcome, I'll have no choice but to report you to (the higher-ups of choice)."

Keep your cool, call her out, and don't let her get away with anything without voicing it aloud. A hefty sigh? "Are you sighing because you're frustrated? Because I'm only here to learn, and if you can't teach me I'll have to find someone who can." An eye roll? "I'm not sure why you're rolling your eyes, but it feels like you aren't taking me seriously."

It's hard, especially when you're new at confronting people... If this just isn't possible for you, I would go to a higher up and get it solved. But it will feel good to try and solve it yourself and show her that you aren't her punching bag.

[Tamber]

Sorry to hear this, Nu (can I call you Nu? I remember doing so in the past but maybe that's weird ). In a work environment, it really is the people that make the job worthwhile or painful. You could be doing the most mundane, meaningless stuff (I can say from experience that working at a student union can be that way), but your coworkers can really make or break the deal.

I'd say if you have a higher up you could speak with about this person's behavior, that might be a good place to start. Not necessarily as a means by which to rant about her, but because if you share a supervisor, that person may have a better idea of this young woman's personality and have suggestions to help you deal with it. If it gets really bad, that supervisor may also help you intervene if you need their help. But I think speaking with other coworkers or your bosses might help you think about the situation complexly and deal with her based on what you know of her as a person.

Overall, look out for yourself. If that means leaving the job, so be it - keep that option in your back pocket. After he moved to St. Louis with me, my partner was hired to work at a call center. He spent those months throwing up every morning and unable to eat much of the time. He didn't realize until a few months in that this was the result of his stress at work, and thankfully he quit and found something better.

Another thing I'd say is to act now and try to be productive - otherwise you may build up some negative attitudes that will permeate the job and make it hard to enjoy. I've been working under a supervisor no one likes at our student union, and that led to a culture of complaining, miserable employees who hate their jobs but stick with it nonetheless. That's not an environment you want to work in, because eventually you can get a little attached to being resentful, and simply coming in to work can trigger those feelings.

[Lyonize]

It's tough to be on someones bad side for seemingly no reason. I know exactly how that feels.

In this kind of situation, I'd say just keep being yourself and be nice to her no matter what. Respond to her sass with cheerfulness. You're not stuck in there with her. She's stuck in there with you and if she doesn't like working with nice people, that's her problem. Ask the questions you need to ask and do you job to the best of your ability with a positive attitude. Worst case scenario, she remains bitter and you stay positive until she's gone. Best case, she feels bad about being a jerk and turns a new leaf. The best way to get rid of an enemy is to make them your friend. So don't let her bring you down. I know it's easy to let other peoples negativity rub off on you.

If you do confront her, try to refrain from saying things that sound like an accusation, even if it's unintentional. Things like "Why are you being so rude to me?" are better worded as "I feel like there's something you don't like about me or the way I do things here. Can we talk about it?" If nothing works, then at least you tried and you only have to deal with her for a couple weeks.

I understand that sometimes you can't help but feel upset because of the way someone treats you. That's why we're here. You have an endless supply of hugs and support right here!

[Pulsar]

Confrontations are an interesting thing, because you aren't just dealing with the other person's personality but also your own. It's all fine and good for people to say "confront them" without giving second thought to the fact you might not be the kind of person that can force themselves into a situation like that.
There's a lot to consider really. Is her attitude bad enough you can't bare to brush it off for X amount of remaining time? Can you bring yourself to confront her about her attitude? Are you prepared to confront her? Most of the advice the others have offered is sound in and off itself but not all of it might be useful or good for your specific scenario. For example, I get Zor's idea, I've even confronted people myself, that being said, some people live off grinding an axe off another person, your trouble maker could relish you aggressively confronting her, heck she could even be doing what she's doing to try provoke it. Lyonise also makes some good points, but the whole "keep being nice even if they aren't" is an issue I've always felt might not work in every scenario, like pacifism. If someone is beating you up and you refuse to fight back, there's no golden unbreakable rule saying they'll get bored and move on, they could very well just keep punching till there's nothing left of you to hit, the only person that wins in that scenario is the person doing the punching. But of course confrontation could again be what they are looking for and in fighting back in a sense you're giving them what they want. That being said, Lyonise's advice could very well work just as much as Zor's could. What it will ultimately depend on is her. You can of course go above her, but keep in mind that in doing so you're assuming that those above her will put their job over any personal feelings they have toward her. If her superiors adore her, then calling out her attitude may not put you in good favour with them (but that is of course assuming things itself).

Confronting her directly or going to those above her is a risk, which could work, but you'll ultimately not know the outcome until the end of it all and it could lead to a confrontation with her in either case. However, if you chose to just "deal with it" then what you can be certain of is that she'll be gone in a time and you can forget about her like everyone else who's not worth remembering, it just comes down to whether or not you can tough through her attitude.

A piece of advice I didn't see suggested was that you could go speak to others, knowledge is power when it can be wielded as a weapon, the more information you have, the better you can plan your attack, so to speak. Find out what others think of her, what others know about her, their opinions (maybe you'll find others who would like to confront her also, a group certainly would make things in your favour since it's hard to put up a fight when you're outnumbered). I would dare say their opinions of her may be more valuable to you then our advice (not to say that everyone's advice is meaningless of course). Because if you find out that she is like that with everyone then she might simply be a.. well, yeah. However, if she is only like that with you, then you know something is up, then at least you can decide if you want to confront her or not, if you know it's only with you, maybe that will add more weight to wanting to ask her what her deal is.

Of course like everyone else, these are just my opinions and suggestions. Despite what advice and ideas we can give you, ultimately the final call and action is yours to take.

Ruby also wanted me to add that there's always someone like that, which is fairly true. She also says that she thinks you should just tough through it and not be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

[Jetstar]

I'm not going to be a lot of help here, because I dont have a lot of experience yet, since I'm only a youngling, but I believe it's all about the damage you'll get whether or not you should just tough it out or confront her, and what's hard is that part is up for you to decide. Would it be harder to confront her or sit through it, and if so, which would damage you more? If sitting through it would hurt you 4 times as much as confronting her for her actions, then confronting her is the better option, even if it's the harder thing to do. One thing I've found is, if you do confront her, not to make it personal, if you say something like "What's you're problem with me?", they're gonna use that fact that you're feeling upset by it to turn it around on you and say "you're playing the victim here, I'm not doing anything" so keep it professional, say something exactly like what Kirsui suggested.
Other than that, I wish the you get through this and it goes away rather quickly for you :3

[KanuTGL]

Thanks a lot for your responses, everyone :) I appreciate your thoughts and reading through the thread has been helpful.

It's still difficult to know what to do. I don't really want to go into a full on confrontation and have been going by "Wait and see how things develop" (ie do nothing >_>) for the last couple of days. Today she has been actually kind of nice in comparison to the beginning of the week, so I guess that's a good thing, haha.

I've been keeping a close eye on how she interacts with the rest of her colleagues and there is of course a difference, but she has a cynical sort of undertone almost regardless of who she's talking to. So I'm starting to think that some of the comments she's making are things she'll say to anyone. It's kind of her personality. Doesn't make me a whole lot happier with how she treats me, because I don't like that kind of people, but at least it's not just me she's making cynical comments on...

Another theory I have is that we both might be wishing that the other person was someone else, which might be making things troublesome for us now, hah. I got along very well with her predecessor and I definitely know that if he was the one teaching me I'd be doing great right now. (For various reasons I'm not that close with him any more, therefore I don't feel like I could turn to him now, but that's another story~) I also believe that a good friend of my predecessor was interested in applying for the job that I ultimately got. I don't know for sure if the friend applied or not, but, thinking about it, both of them have been acting funny with me since I was elected...

All in all, I think part of the reason for things being like they are is that our personalities don't mix. At all. It's pretty awkward. And if my theory about the friend who missed out is true and that's the rest of the reason why, she's just being immature. After today I don't think I will initiate a confrontation, but if the moment appears I would like to speak with her about our differences and see if we can at least come to some sort of understanding of each other. I think that could help us both.

Mostly it just makes me sad that it is this way. Everyone seems to be getting along so well with their predecessors, and then there's me :C These intro weeks are meant to be a very exciting time, but this has really taken the edge off going to work. Knowing I have to be around her all day sure dampens my spirits.

Edit: And yes, it's perfectly alright to call me Nu, hehe :P

[Mercy]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle Kanu. It can be tough dealing with someone who has a personality that clashes with our own.

I learned a certain technique from a very thoughtful and intuitive friend of mine when I was going through a similar situation and having a hard time with the woman who was training me. He told me that the best way to deal with rude, or negative people is to be extra kind to them, even though it's difficult. It can be really hard. I've found that it's helpful and is just a good step towards a positive workplace environment. It can be a simple compliment such as, "That shirt really brings out your eyes." or just, "You have me happier than an orca that's not at SeaWorld." Or it could just be a nice gesture such as bringing her a coffee or a muffin, offering gum, or even offering to help her with something. Just doing a random act of kindness. This was really hard for me, but I tried it with a co-worker, and it actually helped a bit. She didn't change completely, but she did seem to acknowledge me a bit more, and I enjoyed making her smile (even if it was a small one). I believe that a key point in the use of this technique is being compassionate and understanding towards your predecessor. Maybe she doesn't want to leave her position, or perhaps she is jealous of you, who knows?

I think it's also important to not allow her to steal your joy. A new job is part of your adventure, just one more page in your story! Try to be positive through this trial, each day of your life starts with opportunity! Try to stay as auspicious as you can! Count your blessings, or treat yourself to something if you've had a particularly bad day. You are worth it. You're strong enough to overcome her behavior.

I think that if I were in your shoes I would do my best to be kind and understanding to her, and stick with it. Your training will be over soon, and maybe this will help prepare you for a similar situation in the future.

However,  if her treatment is interfering with your training to the point that you aren't sure if you are receiving Grade-A professional training, then maybe you should talk to someone about it. It's important that you receive proper training, and if this is interfering with it it might be time to try to talk to her about it, or someone else. If you do confront her though I would try to be as respectful, polite, and kind as possible. You never know why people act the way they do. You could remind her of her deceased sister or something.

Idk, that's just my opinion on the situation, I'm still a youngling too.