Other Art by For Her

[For Her]

This will be a thread for the art i do that has nothing to do with The Lion King. Here is a story i wrote. I didn't finish it, and there might be some mistakes. Blame my english-as-second-lanuage.

Attachments:

Thunderous Sands.docx (14.98 KB)

[Ruby_Fehu]

It's a really good start, I especially like the description of Tusken, I can see you took your time planning him out which is always a good thing for writers to do, whether it just be a leisure activity or a job you wish to do in the future.

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However, these are just a few spelling errors which you're best to change:

Jaggered is spelt jagged.

Oy is usually spelt Oi but some people do put it like oy, up to you which you choose to use though

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Here's some advice but you don't have to take it:

Try describing the Desert Scorpion before saying what it was, writers sometimes like to paint a picture of what they're trying to portray, maybe change the words around to say this: Awoken by his swearing, a large creature stirred, a creature that had been created long ago by a Warlock. They were machines, made out of ironwood, powered by dark magic. This was a Desert Scorpion. and then describe it a little more, what size is it? What colour is it? Any unusual markings?


The temporarily stunned monster was lifted back down -> The temporarily stunned monster was thrown back down and maybe add something like with the force of a .....

The entire temple was build out of glass bricks, told to be held together by magic. -> slight grammar error it should be The entire temple was built out of glass bricks... Also you don't have to state bricks, if you just put "built out of glass and held together by magic." it would give it a more magical element.

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This always gets people but the speech layout should be like this:

Tusken stepped through the entrance, and was greeted by a fat priest. “Oy, Tusken!” The man said. “Did you get ‘em scurvy outlaws?” He then asked.

“Aye, Father Alkayne. I had to kill them, but yes, I got them.” Tusken answered.

Father Alkayne grabbed a purse and counted the coins. “Fourteen golden coins, Tusken. You are good.” The priest said happily.

“I expected sixteen. But I hope the next assignment is good.” Tusken said, taking the coins.

“Yep, the next one is good. Runaway thief. She stole various things from the church.” Alkayne said, handing Tusken a note.

“On it, Father.” Tusken smiled and left the temple.


When there's two or more people talking it's always suggested to put each new person's speech on a new line, like I've put there. This makes it clearer for others to read and see who is talking. Also if there's only two characters you don't have to put who speaks each time. As well you don't have to always put the name, if you've made your characters as understandable as you have, readers will be able to guess who is speaking by their mannerisms.

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It is really good overall liek I said but there is a couple of things that you can consider working on and such, it is entirely up to you though ^-^. I look forward to reading more hehe.

[For Her]

I'll be changing a bit and updating the OP. It has now been updated.