First shot

[jessekar]

Afton a pure white lioness slouched under a lone tree in the middle of no where. There was a cold breeze and rain began to fall. She was tired after the massive fight that had taken place. Afton couldnt help but feeling guilty for Suru's death. She was then one that wanted to leave, not him.

Everything we had planned is no more. We was going to start our own pride, away from everyone else. she thought to herself.

The night before, Afton and Suru were getting ready to leave the pride and to begin there own, only suru knew she expecting a cub. They had enough of the fighting and there was never enough food to feed them all anyway, they didnt see the point in telling them.

Afton heared her belly growl, she tilted her head towards her belly,
"Hey little one, i think its time to find some food" she said,
"But where" she looked around puzzeled.

With a groan, she lifted her rump into the air and began to walk towards the sun that was setting on the horrizen.

[jessekar]

its a bit short :/

[cheezeegriff]

Nothing wrong with this post's length, in my humble opinion. A pattern I've observed on this site is that those people who write the longest posts tend to only post once every few weeks, and hold everyone up. The last thing we should be doing is encouraging longer posts.

However I support Rocky's statement that the environment could be a little better described. Replace "middle of nowhere" with "endless grassy expanse/endless dusty expanse/in the middle of a mountain valley/middle of the dense, dark rainforest." Technically "middle of nowhere" could fit all these things. As for confusion - I don't mind not knowing everything straight away, and i think the vagueness of exactly what happened might leave the RP open to some interpretation - and therefore elaboration, on the part of the person who posts next. Flexibility isn't a bad thing:) For weather - I'm satisfied with cold rain during a sunset. Could be more descriptive but it could be a whole lot worse, and longer - I don't like longer, lol.

Sorry for disagreeing with you guys above:) I try to disagree respectfully

[cheezeegriff]

Ears flicking for the sound of strangers, Greshor stalked slowly across the grassy plain, following the dot against the bright sun that he suspected was his quarry. It smelled like Afton, after all. The little witch thought she could run away from *his* pride, did she?

He crept a little closer through the grass, closer still, until he saw her get up and begin to move away, towards the sun. With that he stood, massive black mane dripping with the rain as he roared,
"Afton! So... you think you can just walk away, do you? Don't you know you're my property, just like every other lioness? I killed that spindly male, Suru, for daring to steal you from me, but now I know this mutiny is your idea as well!"
Then, with a low rumble in his throat, he flexed his claws and growled,
"You're mine, Afton, and you'll pay dearly for this. But I'll give you one choice: Shall you come back in one piece, or twelve??"
He stood there, waiting for her answer. But he wouldn't wait for long.

[cheezeegriff]

Ah sorry, you're right - I didn't realise that Jessekar was the same person who wrote the post as who criticised it for length:)