Post by Nakisisa on May 21, 2010 21:57:49 GMT
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Naki lay on the rocks by the waterhole, it had been so long since he had time to relaxe and watch the world go by, it had been a year since the outsiders attack, and everything had been hectic since then with all the asmiliation if the prides,
"Wow what a beautiful day" Naki said aloud "How time flies"
lionessronini said:
"So as she as ran away from the hyenas she was hurt so then she met Naki and said :"please help oh help I am hurt so much badly can you help me ?" and then Naki said :"i do'nt know who but really who can do this "! Roni knew some one who can help he is an outsider nice lion named mako . Roni told the panthera leo and said :" can you this prideland " the young hurt lioness say :"I am not an outsider i do'nt even look like outsider they have scar like or black prideland nose & they are evil! even the have drak fur and black drak ears and black drak fur on thier eyes ". and then Naki said :"like you know you was pridelander !" " i know " the two cats said goodbye and go . and then Roni ran into her pride and said to the lions in her pride :" I love you guys and girls but i do'nt know what to do "?" i am hurt can you help me "? "yes" one of the pridelander male said :" i will theach you who to go to him " "thanks" Roni said "now where to go" ? the male said :"go to the pride rock afther to scar's place afther you see lions with scar like noses you can see Mako gender: male Species lion : he is have scar black like nose & blue eyes dark brown mane and a black tail ". "thank you " Roni said so then she goes to him and he gives her a aloevery to spread it for her body and then she felt better ." thank you " Roni said and then she Ran to the pridelande and pride rock her home . this is my example what do you think about my story ?Now you've hit something here, it's called godmodding, very easy mistake to make, first let's define it
Godmodding: Taking control of someone elses character and controling it, or, making a character super powerful and impossibble to defeat. (( Dont worry I made this mistake aswell ))
Another common mistake amount new members is bulk writing, it's hard to read and even harder to understand, this is easily enough done by seperating with a line's space or by using something such as ---
Either are effective. Now as your a new member I'm just giving you advice, but I would suggest imagining you are in a conversation, like you are the character, but you narate the story frm third person, (( If that makes sense )) so not ignoring your end of the speach, I would take your first speaking line, and reply as my cari. For example
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please help oh help I am hurt so much badly can you help me ?
"Yea sure I can help you" Naki said getting up "Whats the problem?" He said noticing her wounds.
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Also, can I guess that English is not your first language? If so, if you want any help, just PM me and I'll have a look for you, and try to help.
Sorry of I'm being picky but, try not to post caris descriptions into the RP, just explain them as you go along, like (example) Onya walked into the cave, her red eyes sparkling and her glossy brown coat glistened in the moonlight.
and as your new (Not being nasty) try to stick to as few caris as possibble, it helps you get the gist of the RP better with fewer caris, and allows you to work your way up to have more caris which are easier to control.
So if you want to re write anything from your last post, try to keep the OOC (Out Of Character) to a minimum, unlike this, and if you ask a question you've got to wait for a reply, ok?
Anything else you want to ask?
I moved it to the correct area for practice RPs.)))
Also added Christmassy snow and banner :3
I'm currently getting some uni work done before heading to the post office. What's up with you?